summer days blur into one another, the sun never seems to set, the heat always suffocating. i find myself constantly thinking about things to do, feeling a sense of urgency as if i immediately need to seize the day, as if that would be my last opportunity to actually complete certain tasks. i feel time slipping through my fingers and i can find no way to stop that. sometimes it’s a good thing, most of the time it haunts me instead.
i spent three years of middle school looking for a way out. i desperately wished i was somewhere else, in a better place with better people. when i finished and got to high school it felt like a dream at first. i only had to wait a few more years since that too turned into a nightmare. i was stuck into this cycle of feeling out of place and wanting to escape. that was my only reality back then and i couldn’t imagine everything would change eventually.
why do we always wish for what we can’t have? i can finally say i’m pretty content with my current life. i love my friends, my university, my routine. and yet, i still spend a lot of time wishing i had my own apartment, picturing myself in my 30s, traveling, writing, living my dreams. why do i do so, knowing that when i will eventually get to that moment i’d painfully miss what i have now? why am i always stuck between past memories and innocent daydreams but never living in the actual present?
i associate summer with calmness and peace, carefree days followed by nostalgic nights. i am a child again, i am my overthinking self at the same time. i try to recreate that childhood magic, i try to let myself go but come september, i realise i haven’t done anything special after all. all my summers seems wasted, my only accomplishment being worrying for what would come in the next season.
maybe i shouldn’t wait for another “next summer”, maybe what i’ve done so far was enough. to wind down and to reflect. and while i (hopefully) learn to do so, i don’t need to worry. summer will come again and we will all keep finding new things to look for.
love always, elisa
that was so sweet and heartfelt <3 there will be many more summers