fragments

life updates from a library desk

“to be young is to be particularly vulnerable to the vagaries of luck; to tear open an envelope and discover that your life has been set upon a course you could not have predicted.

when you are young, each day can be the start of a great adventure. and the adventure one of growth, happiness, prosperity—or derailment, disintegration, despair.”

(from the lost landscape: a writer’s coming of age by joyce carol oates)

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strong gusts of wind rustled the leaves outside my bedroom, made my windows rattle, disturbed my already uneasy sleep. but in the morning i woke to sunshine coming through my curtains. the clouds that had been covering the sun for so long have been finally swept away, my face is warm now, i feel like i can finally breathe again.

i’ve always considered myself a lucky girl. i am lucky because i grew up in a cosy colourful home with the sun always shining on my face and i got to face hard things only later in my life. i cannot think of having a better life; yes, there are so many things i wish for myself and for the people i love, many things could be different and feel easier but i wouldn’t trade places with anyone. i would have given anything to escape when i was a teen - you’re either so part of your social circle you feel like you belong somewhere or you don’t belong anywhere at all. never in a million years would i have even imagined myself being so happy in my small town. always dreaming of being the one that got away, i sometimes feel like the only one who stayed.

as much as i struggle to believe in something, sometimes i know deep inside of me that fate exists. i never liked it when people called me lucky after achieving a big thing - i want credit for my work and my dedication - but i can’t help thinking that fate brought me where i am today, here, sitting at my local library’s front desk as i type this, a desk in front of which i stood so many times throughout my life. i’m almost three months into my one year internship but ever since my first days i realised this might be my real purpose. finding my own place in the world has been such a heavy weight for me to carry ever since i turned 18. i was so lost i couldn’t see myself anywhere, i could only see everyone else’s lights, for they seemed to shine from within while they walked their new exciting paths.

and so, here i am now. it took me years but i finally made it, and people can see my happiness and my passion just by looking at me, i know that because my colleagues told me so after a short while. i feel so at home here. i love everything about this place: i love how familiar it is, i love how i’m genuinely helping people without trying to sell anything, i love how many people now know me by name and recognise me in town too, i love community and kids and elderly people, i love how a single random book can change your life forever. if you told me i’ll stay here for the rest of my life i’d be so happy.

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“i want to contemplate this moment, and not relinquish it too soon: that we are not absolutely determined by even crucial events in our lives; an initial failure may release us to a new, more appropriate, and even more challenging course of action. we have the power to redefine ourselves, to heal our wounds, to be secret and take defeat (w. b. yeats) and re-emerge […] in madison, i have been made to feel at last that i do belong. i have arrived at an age when, if someone welcomes you, you don’t question the motives. rejoyce, and give thanks.”

(from the lost landscape: a writer’s coming of age by joyce carol oates)

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the turtle by mary oliver

and what is even crazier for me to say, one of my posts is still blowing up and there are 1.3k of you now. i can’t believe my words had such an impact on so many people. i want to welcome you to my newsletter and to thank you all so much for being here <3