late june
decades ago, my hometown consisted of fields and farmhouses only. that little centre grew more and more and is still growing now, new buildings seem to pop up overnight like mushrooms on forest floors and people from the big city decide to move here, to a quieter yet vibrant place. i’ve always struggled to describe my hometown but lately i’ve come to relate to it. it has been such a small and suffocating place at times, that all i wanted was to escape from it; people seem too close-minded until you meet someone interesting. well, i don’t know how to describe myself either. i feel this big gap between who i think i am and the person others see. i never knew who to trust. at home i always got told how pretty i am, how perfect my body was, but how could that be when in all my life i’ve never had someone looking at me with even an ounce of interest? even being the eldest daughter, eldest nephew, eldest cousin, the first-generation university student means my family looks up to me as if i am some kind of genius. the truth is, at university i feel mediocre and i mean that both for my grades and for the too smart people i’ve met.
everything seems so confusing sometimes. i always reject to categorise myself into labels and aesthetics because as people we’re ever changing beings, but really who am i? if i am what i love, should i consider myself a writer right now? i don’t feel like one. i’m afraid it will eventually be just one of the many hobbies i took up enthusiastically, then gave up shortly after. since i’ve reached a good enough level of english, i’ve always written in that language, never in my native one. why has it always felt more right to express myself in a language that’s not my own? why do i feel almost embarassed to tell people i write? i don’t know. i’m too confused and i don’t know how to act. i don’t know how to maintain friendships and i don’t know what i’m gonna do in the future. i have too many doubts, i’m full of contradictions.
mid july
i feel at peace with myself now. all those things i constantly thought about weeks ago don’t bother me anymore, it’s probably normal to feel that way. i think i need to accept that a million version of me have and will forever exist and i can’t change that. i’ve undergone a big change lately. it’s maybe been the time i’ve changed the most, both my appearance and mentality, be it because i’m in my early twenties or because i needed therapy and medication to help me heal. anyway i’m not the shy, frail, sad looking girl everyone believed me to be. people from my past probably remember me as such, in their minds i’ll always her. they have no idea of who i am anymore but, again, they never really had. but i don’t care anymore. in my mind they’ll forever be the people who hurt me and made me spend years feeling uncomfortable and i think that’s a worse memory to have.
in these weeks spent not writing i felt like something was lacking. random sentences came up in my head but i didn’t know what to do with them. i still don’t consider myself a writer, i think i’m just good at noticing things. you can tell my writing style isn’t as elaborate or as poetic as other people’s on this platform, but i guess we all have to start somewhere. i had never realised how healing art could be for the artist. writing allows me to think back and reflect and sending out a post for everyone to read feels like getting some kind of closure - something i’ve never experienced. all the things that have ended in my life ended gradually, disappearing like a ship sailing away on the misty horizon. my past friendships didn’t end suddenly or officially, but with that sad feeling of seeing the other person change, of not recognising them anymore as they find better people to be with and of pretending to be friendly with them still, even if what you had together will never be recovered. and while shyer, past me was grateful for no confrontation, i think now i’d be ready to go back in time and end things with ex friends but, alas, i can’t. i learned it’s good to talk things out and be honest but it’s even better to surround yourself with people who give you zero problems and no need to even point little things out.
i struggle to believe in anything but i do think that everything happens for a reason. after ending yet another friendship the other day and feeling lighter but guilty at the same time, i went on my phone and the first that popped up was one of those pinterest-like reminders saying “you’re still a kind person even if..” followed by a list of actions like putting yourself first, setting boundaries, saying no. i guess that was a sign. then i needed to catch up on youtube videos and i clicked on this one by inayah, whose account is my current favourite. it was a relief to hear those words. everything made sense then.
i’m glad i now accept myself, with all my flaws and fears and doubts. i don’t believe others’ opinion anymore, they’re not important. i’ve spent all my life being the one out of the picture, the kind one who offered to take the group photo which meant staying behind the camera. now, the object in focus is myself. i see her laughing at first but then she poses confidently. she wants me to take a picture, to turn this moment into a permanent memory. in her eyes i only see relief.
as confusing as everything is, we’re all trying to navigate life. no one has it figured it out. we’re all grown-up kids looking for the right path for us, looking for happiness and for a purpose to keep us going. we keep looking everywhere for guidance but i’m afraid we won’t find it anywhere. the only thing i know for sure is you need to trust yourself, always.
witnessing you grow is the most beautiful thing ever 🌷
beautiful, i've been watching those youtube videos too and i find them so calming