the next chapter

my recent struggles as a graduating literature student

my friend em describes me as a chronic nostalgic person. it’s amazing how i already miss something when i still have it. i spent four years wishing i was finally free from exams - most of which are oral examinations in front of an audience, my shyness and insecurity’s biggest nightmare. i dread exams so much that the night before i dream about them, and they always end up with me forgetting everything and failing. even my subconscious mind is a pessimist. but now as i’m simultaneously studying for my last four exams, as overwhelming and tiring as it is, it’s like don’t want all this to end.

as a kid i hated reading. i struggled to get through the books my primary school teacher made us read and the copy of the secret garden which i bought at a book fair stayed unopened on my shelf for years. to this day i’ve only read it once. i grew up with a little sister so there was always something else for me to do. our shared magical world was better than any story i could have found in a book. it wasn’t until i was around 12 years old that i started to get into reading. i loved greek mythology and fantasy and i loved it when at school we analysed the iliad and we read poetry. when the time came to choose my high school field of study i was torn between a couple of choices. until one day during last year a professor made us watch dead poets society (1989) as a kind of good luck for the future, a reminder to make something of our lives. i, however, got something else out of it too. after the iconic scene of mr. keating’s lesson, i decided that i would become a literature student.

i’ve always been a reader, not a writer. writing assignments were always the hardest for me, especially when i had to write about topics i knew nothing on or wasn’t interested about or when i had to hit a certain number of words. i had nothing to say and my opinion wasn’t that important anyway. literature was my calling because i could get to study lots of poets and writers, to learn new perspectives and to feel inspired. i love reading sentences that perfectly describe how i feel. i love how when i read a book i don’t like, once i hear an explanation or an analysis i end up enjoying it. it happens every time. i love studying in general, but being a literature student became part of my identity. it’s a sort of label i love using for myself because it already tells you all you have to know about me and what kind of person i probably am. the stereotype is true because at university i’ve found lots of similar people, we’re the quiet type, the booklovers, the gifted kids. when we got asked in high school what we wanted to do next, my classmates looked at me as if i was completely crazy. “never again” they’d say, so they ended up choosing business or communication or psychology. well, i wouldn’t have lasted a day at uni if i chose a different course. nothing would have given me more purpose than this.

lucky’s speech from waiting for godot which i’ve analysed this morning - yet another example of something i wanted to give a one star after reading but a four star rating after studying

my three-turned four year degree in foreign literatures and languages is coming to an end. i chose it mostly for passion and because it was the only one allowing me to study english literature (my one true love) properly. i’ve never had a dream job or a future goal in mind. that’s why i feel an identity crisis incoming. i’ll go back to the start again, to seeing all these paths in front of me and not knowing which one to choose. a blank page has always been intimidating, and i mean that both truly and metaphorically. as lame as it sounds, i’ll lose my label of student too which will feel like maybe the first real step into adulthood for me. i’ve had my ups and downs at university but at the moment i can only seem to focus on the good memories i have, as if i'm subconsciously trying to convince myself to stay in education for longer, even if i know that’s not what i want.

i’m full of contradictions and doubts but i guess that’s what life is about. reading about other people having nothing figured out gave me comfort when i was 19 and knowing now that most people feel the same way even post-graduation makes me feel not alone. but still, another chapter is closing and i need to learn how to deal with endings. i don’t think i ever will.