you are what you love

i want to be defined by the things i love

Dec 31, 2024

a few years ago i’ve decided to make a dream of mine come true and start penpalling. i still remember the moment i found the first letter i’ve ever received in my mailbox, a large brown envelope covered in stickers and drawings, and i was surprised at this girl’s kindness and thoughtfulness towards me - a stranger she knew nothing about. i was lucky to quickly find some like-minded people with whom i’ve built meaningful friendships since then. when i prepare a letter to a certain person, i’m always thinking about what i associate with them, what they would like, which colour scheme i would choose.

i recently found a new penpal and i was the one writing the first letter. i realised while rereading it that i had dedicated only a couple of lines of my long introduction to my studies and my job and the rest of it to my passions and interests, as if that’s what really defines me, and in a way i guess that’s true. i do want to be defined by them. the things i love and the people i love are all part of me, i carry them with me always, everywhere. they made me who i am and without them i’d be just an empty shell.

it’s the little things i remember best. most friendships in my life weren’t destined to last. however, even if i try hard to forget and move on from everything that happened to me, sometimes it only takes a small thing to bring everything back, for me to feel 15 again and excited to buy a little notebook that reminded me of my then best friend because it had her favourite quote on the cover and i could surprise her with it the next day at school. she was so happy and i remember thinking how nice it was, to be known and loved.

“my mom was wrong about a lot of things, but one thing she had right was about the durability of love. it stays. against all odds, in the face of hate, it stays.”
- kristin hannah, the great alone

years have passed since i last spoke to old friends and yet sometimes i see things that remind me of them and just for a moment it feels like we’ve never parted ways. i like that. i like how the things we love is what lingers in other people’s minds and hearts. no matter how much time passes and how much we change, what we loved will always reflect who we were at that particular moment.

i also like how we can’t choose what to love. i can’t tell you why as a kid musa was my favourite winx fairy, why i love my aunt’s apple pie even though i hate apples or why i’ve always been drawn to any shade of blue. some things i used to love never left me, while others seemed to return back to me right when i needed their comfort again. the things you once loved don’t go away. they will always find their way back to you.

feeling extra known & loved after opening my birthday/christmas gifts. here’s a bag with my favourite book and merch of the album i loved since i was 12 <3

i feel so lucky to be associated with my favourite songs, my favourite characters, my favourite books. i always think of my best friend when i see mushroom shaped objects and bunnies, i think of my sister when i see anything pink and of my grandma when i spot her favourite author at the bookstore.

and to all the people who once loved me, i hope you still find parts of me somewhere. i hope that when you think about me you remember my mum’s kindness, sunsets, the snow, and the colour blue.

recent pinterest saves. that’s what i’m loving right now

i loved writing and putting together posts for my newletter this year. i still can’t believe how many people subscribed to it in the last six months. even though sometimes posting to what is now a large audience feels overwhelming, i always enjoy updating my little digital diary from time to time. i’m so, so grateful for everyone who takes the time to read a post, comment or share. thank you for all the support i’m still getting for my previous posts. knowing my words have impacted even one person gives me so much joy.

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here are some things i loved this year:

⭑ i loved collecting physical media and finding second hand dvds of my favourite tv series and films, and cds with their soundtracks!

⭑ being creative (with my newsletter, my journal, the letters i sent, knitting)

⭑ thrifting clothes and slowly creating my dream wardrobe. some items i got that already became a staple are my denim mini skirt, all the one euro tank tops i find at my local market, black knee high boots, a faux shearling jacket (which was also my first screen accurate find), my hoop earrings

⭑ lauren, inayah (substack: INAYAH), hannah and anna maria luisa’s youtube channels

⭑ my favourite reads:

& some of my favourite substacks:

folklore fiction - ale, the amount of love and care you put into everything you do inspires me every time
celestialdryad - em’s moodboards, poems and recommendations are always so unique and magical
red thread musings & fried eggs for breakfast - mads’ posts are so cosy, like walking around a small town in autumn, while helena’s remind me of sunny spring afternoons
Fruitful - maria always writes the best, most interesting essays
under maintenance - the nostalgic vibe of your posts really speaks to me el, you’re one of the most talented writers out there!
September's Tears, The Girl in the Fish Tank , CRYING LIKE CASSANDRA - as a poetry lover (who can’t write poems), i’m always in awe of your talent <3